I apologize for my absence in the blogosphere the past month or so, I've been absolutely swamped with interesting anniversaries and holidays:) First of all, Easter, which as you can imagine, is a very VERY busy time of year for a worship pastor at a church, and I'm happy to report that we had a great weekend of worshipping God and celebrating the hope we have through Him, but let me also add on to that. It was also a bit sad. It really hit me this year that I am growing older and that with each passing Easter, I feel like I'm climbing more and more uphill to achieve something that's not really mine to achieve. I guess what I'm saying is that I'm noticing how selfsish I can be, and I don't like seeing that ugly side of me:(
The toughest part of this past month or so was celebrating my brother's first birthday since he passed, and then three days later marking the one year anniversary of his death. It was a LOT harder than I anticipated it being. I found myself just being overwhelmed with memories of how good of a man he was. Shane was a rarity in my life. He was one of the few men in this world who loved me for me and never tried to change me or get his own personal agenda accomplished by what I could do for him. Shane simply loved me, and I must admit, I really, REALLY miss him.
In the wake of all of this I feel like I'm letting him down because I don't know how to be a fatherly influence on his girls. I'm learning as we go along. I know that I am not expected to be Shane, because thats a mark I fall way short of every day, but I also know I want his girls to know how loved and special they are, and that regardless of their circumstances, they are loved unconditionally.
In my heart, I feel a special connection to God right now because I know that He views me the exact same way. He sees the potential in me but also realizes the reality of who I am, and that He loves me unconditionally. It's a catch 22. I feel like I'm letting God and Shane down by not doing a better job for Amanda and the girls, and I also feel like I'm sure as heck trying you know?
I just keep having to remind myself that God is not disappointed in me. I read throughout scripture that I am loved beyond reason or comprehension, and I'm starting to grasp that a little bit now because of my nieces. Words do not convey the depths of my love for them.
I just want to challenge you to tell someone you love them today. Tell them why you love them, and also tell them that no matter what: you will always love them. That's the life of Christ lived out in this broken world.
Blessings,
travis
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Parenting is all about learning as we go along. That's the best anyone can do. Kids are pretty intuitive about these things and they know when your heart is in it. That's all that matters. I think the fact that you make Amanda and your nieces such a priority is awesome. They are lucky to have you!
ReplyDeleteI agree with Michelle. Being an example to little people is not about being perfect.
ReplyDeleteI'm going to agree too with Michelle, no parent really KNOWS what they are doing and while you will never take your brothers place in those girls' lives, they know you love them unconditionally and that's all you can ask for.
ReplyDeleteKids are VERY intuitive. They know where your heart is. They may not express it with words, but they know. I can't imagine that you would be anything less than awesome with them!!